Squirrels on a Wire
by Stalker-kun
Summary: Neru's childhood friend has invited her to move in at the tenement house she lives in, and the blond is more than happy to leave her old, uneventful life behind. Life at the Vocaloid house proves to be more of a challenge than she imagined; it's like walking a tight rope, sooner or later, something is bound to snap. Kaito/Neru. Yuuma/Rin.


Akita Neru was a crabby, blond bitch with a dead-end job and an uneventful life. She lived in a roach-infested apartment and drove a car so old that it could qualify as a museum piece. Good luck and Neru were complete strangers. She pretended not to be bothered by the obvious cloud hanging over her head. But she always ended up on the couch at the end of the day, with a tub of Rocky Road ice cream and a Lifetime network movie.

Her childhood friend, Kagamine Rin, was worried about her. That's why when she offered Neru a room at the tenement house she lived in, the troll couldn't believe her ears. The house was run by Rin's employers, and she was on excellent terms with them.

Neru shuffled out the door with the last box of junk when her phone buzzed in her pocket. Grunting, she crammed the box into her yellow jalopy and quickly answered her phone, gasping into it, "H-Hello?"

"Hey, I was just calling to see if you needed any help moving!" Rin's voice chirped on the other end.

"I've already got everything in the car, and I'm on my way," Neru explained as she dug through her handbag in search of her keys. She grumbled something inane and turned her bag upside down. All kinds of curious objects piled in the passenger seat: a Rabbit's foot, a rusty horseshoe, old candy wrappers, and some erotic-fantasy anime DVD she borrowed from Rin a week before. Frowning, Neru plucked her keys from the mess and continued, "Just meet me in the driveway, 'kay? I'm gonna need help bringing this crap in…"

Her friend answered with excitement, "I'll be waiting! See you in fifteen!"

The car sputtered and belched as Neru attempted to start it. But regardless of how hard she twisted the key in the ignition, it refused to cooperate. Sighing, she got out of the car and circled around to its front to try a _different _approach.

"Work, you piece of shit!" she snarled and kicked the grill. A loud boom resounded within the car and the engine finally started. Satisfied with the results, Neru whistled a spritely tune and climbed into the driver's seat. She flipped on the radio and bobbed her head to the music as her car struggled out of the parking lot.

Sudden sadness overwhelmed her as she pulled away from the apartment building. Who would be around to feed her little friends? She bowed her head and said a silent prayer, hoping that the next tenant would be kind to the vermin that also called the apartment home.

The Vocaloid tenement house wasn't far from where she used to live. It was in a much nicer neighborhood, though. The houses were neatly spaced apart, children frolicked around the street, and there was so much road kill lying about that Neru seriously considered opening a restaurant.

Rin waved to her from the driveway of her new home. The house looked different each time she came to visit. But this wasn't some ten minute social call or overnight slumber party; this was Neru's new permanent home. It was like a moment out of her favorite smutty shoujo manga.

"Neru, watch out for the garage door!" Rin yelled.

Gasping, Neru slammed on the brakes and stopped the car a mere inch from the garage door. Smoke flew from the hood as she staggered out, coughing and waving her hands. Rin rushed to her side and helped her away from the car, which was still smoking.

"At least I was able to get it here…" Neru rasped.

"Don't sweat it. I'll ask Gakupo to take a look at it later on," Rin said as she pat her friend's back. "But maybe we'd best get your stuff out of there pronto, huh? It'd be bad if it caught fire or something…"

A silky, low voice called to them from the front porch, "What makes you think that any of it is worth saving?"

The two girls glanced back and spotted a tall, buxom beauty leaning on the railing of the porch. Her hair was long, luxurious and the color of a bubblegum wad you'd find on the sidewalk. She slithered around one of the posts and snickered at Neru's misfortune.

"Eh, that's just the local hooker. Ignore her; she's always trying to start crap." The shorter girl walked over to her friend's car and pried the back door open. "Wow, um, you don't have much. Are you sure this is everything?"

Neru's frown drooped even lower. "Yeah, I'm sure."

"Aw, do you girls need any help with that?" cooed the tuna monger by the front door.

Someone suddenly clapped her on the back, sending her through the roof with fright. Neru and Rin groaned simultaneously and turned towards the house to see what spooked her. As the smoke cleared and wood stopped falling from the new hole in the porch overhang, a tall man appeared.

He was the goofiest looking creature Neru ever laid eyes on. A smile stretched his face from ear to ear. And even though it was summer, he wore a blue scarf around his neck. His voice matched his sparkly personality as he waved his hands and greeted them, "Good morning, ladies! Do you require any _masculine _assistance?"

Rin moved closer to Neru and whispered, "That's Kaito. I know he seems weird, but he's actually a nice guy. That is, he means well…" She turned back to Kaito and forced a grin.

"Oh, you must be Rin's friend, Neru!" sang the blue-haired man as he jumped off the porch. He drew his fingers under his chin and circled around her like a bird of prey, studying her. After he finished with his assessment, he stood before her and declared, "You're _much cuter _than Rin described you as being! That, and I love flat-chested girls! They're so…so pure at heart…"

Crimson flashed across Neru's face. "A-Are you hitting on me?"

"I would _never _strike a lady! That's against my strict code of chivalry!" Kaito exclaimed, looking shocked and somewhat hurt.

Neru stood there looking quite perplexed. This man made a pervy pass at her, and then countered her tsundere attempt at brushing him off by playing the part of a wounded gentleman. Was he incredibly naïve or ridiculously sly?

"Is there something on my face?" Kaito asked and pawed at his cheeks.

"You're weird," Neru remarked abruptly. As she tried to sidestep him, he blocked her path and took the box from her. She opened her mouth to protest, but he cut her off again.

"This looks kind of heavy. Why don't you let me carry it inside for you?"

Tired of all the awkwardness, Rin interrupted, "Why are you so keen on helping us move stuff? She doesn't have any food in her car, blubber butt."

"Blubber butt?" Kaito questioned aloud. He looked down at his feet and then at his trim waistline. His gaze returned to Rin and he cocked his head to one side like a curious kitten. "I know I eat a lot, but where do you think all of Luka's Slim Fast disappears to at night? They're pretty good with a quart of Ben and Jerry's!"

"Can we just get my stuff inside before my car blows up?" Neru complained as she went in for another box of clothing.

Kaito and Rin nodded. The three of them started up the walkway with Neru's things in tow when Luka finally decided to pry herself out of the porch's overhang. She was quite a sight; her lovely hair stuck out at odd angles, decorated with pieces of broken plywood. She folded her arms under her ample breasts and stood in front of the door.

"Move it or lose it, Medusa." Rin sneered.

Kaito stepped between them and shook his head, saying, "Now, ladies, we mustn't squabble so." He turned to Luka and smiled at her. "Would you let us through? We have to deliver Neru's things to her new room before her car is swallowed by a raging inferno."

"Of course," Luka answered sweetly, "but only _after _you apologize for scaring the shit out of me and messing up my perfect hairdo in the process!"

Neru's jaw dropped as Kaito's grin widened. "Certainly!" He dropped to one knee, still holding the box of clothes, and looked up at Luka. His facial expression drastically morphed into something…unexplainable. Luka looked on with horror as he steadied the box with one hand and lifted the other, singing, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely…"

"YOU ARE SO FREAKING CREEPY!" Luka shrieked and roundhouse kicked him across the front yard.

Clothes arced across the yard, and the wind scattered them around Kaito's limp body. Neru was frozen in place as she watched her unmentionables flutter in the summer breeze.

"You've done enough damage, haven't you?! Scram!" Rin barked.

Luka huffed and flipped a piece of plywood out of her hair before walking back into the house. Rin flipped her the bird while her back was turned and looked back at Neru…who wasn't standing beside her anymore.

"K-Kaito, are you still alive?" Neru asked, standing over him. She waved her hands in front of his face and looked to Rin. "Should we call an ambulance or something?"

Rin put her box down and descended the stairs. As she did, a pair of polka-dotted, yellow panties wafted along the breeze and settled on Kaito's face. Blood gushed from his nose, propelling Neru's underwear into the air once more. He immediately sat up and looked around with a dazed expression.

"W-What happened?" he asked, slurring his speech. "A-All I can remember is eating Luka's high heel and then being awakened by the smell of clean linen…" He saw all kinds of _questionable content _scattered around the yard: bras, panties, boy shorts…His mouth hung open for a moment. "N-Neru, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to expose your adorable taste in lingerie to the entire neighborhood!"

Rin was at a loss for words when she joined them on the lawn. Kaito was practically on top of her friend, holding her hands in his. His eyes were bugging out of his head, glittering with the threat of tears if she didn't offer him her forgiveness.

Neru took one look at his quivering lips and lost all willpower. "W-What are you freaking out about? T-That pink-haired bitch is the one who sent you into orbit. There's nothing to forgive…"

Kaito's silly grin returned and he threw his arms around Neru, squeezing her. He leaped up and set her down, shouting to Rin (even though she only stood two feet away from him), "Let's get this stuff cleaned up and move Neru into her new home!"

Rin laughed nervously and urged her friend to play along. They followed Kaito around the yard and retrieved every one of Neru's unmentionables. It didn't take them long to move her stuff intot he basement bedroom. As they rounded the corner and approached the bed, they were greeted by another outrageous spectacle.

"Ah, you must be Neru," purred a sultry, blond boy who was stretched lazily across the bed. His white, billowy shirt was unbuttoned, and he clenched a rose between his teeth. "My name is – "

"What the hell are you doing in here?" Rin snapped at her brother. "I thought you were dating the shark?"

The boy laughed and wagged his finger. "Luka was acting pissy this morning, so I decided to bail on her. Besides, I'm looking for a _different _kind of tsundere." He winked at Neru.

"Yeah, well take your Spice! Ass somewhere else, Len. She isn't interested in perverts like you," his sister growled and pointed to the stairs.

Neru shuddered as he walked past, and instinctively hid behind Rin.

Len scoffed, "Did you start your period early again, sis? You're bitchier than usual."

Kaito gasped and confronted Len by the stairs, barring his path. "That is no way to treat a lady, let alone your own sister! You'd best apologize or your manhood will be forever marred with disgrace!"

Flopping on the bed, Rin called to him, "Just let the asshole run off and sulk, Kaito. He's not worth the fuss."

Kaito withheld his next remark and let Len off the hook. He grumbled as he came down the stairs, "T-That dirty…"

"D-Don't let him get to you. That's obviously what he wants," Neru cut in. Kaito and Rin both looked at her with surprise. She climbed on her bed and faced the wall, fidgeting with her ponytail. "I-I mean, Rin was right; he's not worth the trouble. Y-You're way nicer than he'll ever be…"

She didn't have the courage to peek over her shoulder to catch a glimpse of their reactions. She wasn't used to complete strangers defending her out of the blue or submitting to humiliation for her sake. No one ever made a fuss over her but Rin…

Akita Neru was a shy girl with a fresh start and a brand new home. She and good luck have always been strangers…until today. Life was about to hit her like a speeding bullet train, and she couldn't be happier about it.

* * *

**A/N: **Pfft, this ought to be good. I started this story almost two years ago, but it never took off. This time around, I hope it will be different. Sorry for all the language, but it makes everything THAT much funnier to me. :/


End file.
